Rules for Cats
Captain Calico by
Chairs and Rugs
- If you have
to throw up, get to a chair quickly.
- If you cannot
manage in time, get to an Oriental rug.
- If there is
no Oriental rug, shag is good.
- When throwing
up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is
as long as a human's bare foot.
When supervising cooking,
sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You
cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance
of being stepped on and then picked up and
For book readers, get in
close under the chin, between eyes and book,
unless you can lie across the book itself.
For people paying bills
(monthly activity) or working on income taxes or
Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind
the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being
worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the
side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely,
roll around on the papers, scattering them to the
best of your ability. After being removed for the
second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off
the table, one at a time.
When a human is holding the
newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on
the back of the paper. They love to jump.
When human is working at
computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard,
bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in
human's lap across arms, hampering typing in
As often as possible, dart
quickly and as close as possible in front of the
human, especially: on stairs, when they have
something in their arms, in the dark, and when
they first get up in the morning. This will help
with their coordination skills.
Every now and then, hide in
a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not
come out for three to four hours under any
circumstances. This will cause the humans to
panic (which they love) thinking that you have
run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the
humans will cover you with love and kisses and
you will probably get a treat.
Written by Cynthia B. Whitney
Presented with permission of the
The author is currently working on a book version of
Comments or questions? Contact Cynthia B. Whitney at
More Cat Poems, Humor, and Art
Captain Calico used with permission of the artist