How to Give a Cat a Pill
Art by Ashlin
|1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms.
Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a
bottle. Coo confidently, "Thatís a nice kitty." Drop pill into its
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold catís front paws down
with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill
into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist
impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in
bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso
over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open catís
mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since
your head is down by your knees, you wonít be able to see what
youíre doing. Thatís just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If youíre a woman, have a good cry. If youíre a man, have a good
8. Now pull yourself together. Whoís the boss here anyway? Retrieve
cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Whoís the boss
here, anyway?" Open catís mouth, take pill and...Oooops!
9. This isnít working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those
flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten catís front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist
impulse to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to catís head. Press
its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into catís mouth and poke gently. Voila! Itís done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (catís). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
19. Forget aspirin, drink glass of wine and lie down.
More Cat Poems, Humor, and Art
used with permission of the artist,