How to Give a Cat a Pill

Cinnamon Tiger Art by Ashlin


1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "Thatís a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.

2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold catís front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)

5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open catís mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you wonít be able to see what youíre doing. Thatís just as well.

6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

7. If youíre a woman, have a good cry. If youíre a man, have a good cry.

8. Now pull yourself together. Whoís the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Whoís the boss here, anyway?" Open catís mouth, take pill and...Oooops!

9. This isnít working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.

10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.

11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

13. Flatten catís front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)

14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman.

15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to catís head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

16. Drop pill into catís mouth and poke gently. Voila! Itís done.

17. Vacuum up loose fur (catís). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

18. Take two aspirins and lie down.

19. Forget aspirin, drink glass of wine and lie down.
 

Author Unknown

More Cat Poems, Humor, and Art


 

  Kittens! Kittens!  Rules for Cats
 A Cat's Prayer  How to Give Your Cat a Pill
 Why Own A Cat?   All I Need To Know...
  You Know Your Cat is Loved   Dish Bottom Phobia!
  Cats are Wonderful Friends   Home


Cinnamon Tiger used with permission of the artist, Sheila Ashlin